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The following was a special interview we conducted in preparation for the Hamilton Fundraiser Event, to test out our interview questions on a friend of HUMANZOO. The interview took place at Jakob and Edward’s apartment in Toronto over a few glasses of wine, and though it was not their intention, Jakob and Edward couldn’t help but get involved with this particular interview, which lasted nearly an hour. Thus it has been separated into four parts.

/ indicates an overlapping of text

… indicates a pause or hesitation.

[NAME] indicates a name mentioned that has been censored for anonymity.

GARRY:
Off the top, I’m just going to get you to describe whatever your current emotional state is.

HUMAN:
Fat and sassy.

GARRY:
Are you a male or female?

HUMAN:
Male.

GARRY:
How many siblings do you have?

HUMAN:
Three. Two. Three including me.

GARRY:
Three Including you okay. So you have two siblings. Are your parents still alive?

HUMAN:
Yes.

GARRY:
Are they still married?

HUMAN:
No.

GARRY:
Do you identify with the idea an eye for an eye?

HUMAN:
Ummm. No. Well indentify…as in..

GARRY:
Does it speak to you, do you believe in it?

HUMAN:
Would I? Do I follow that practise? Eye for an eye?

GARRY:
Do you believe in it.

HUMAN:
Like..I, I believe that it exists but like, do I follow that reasoning? Is that what you mean? Is that what you’re saying? Do I follow that reasoning. Then no, I don’t. I think that people…uhhhm…revenge isn’t the answer. Or uh… justice isn’t, justice isn’t always uh found through, uh, doing what has been done to you or…in any case.

GARRY:
What’s your blood type?

HUMAN:
O… I think its, O…positve I think…not O negative, O negatives the really rare one isn’t it?

GARRY:
What does Normal mean to you?

HUMAN:
Normal to me…Uhhh? Okay, let me just like, just like, throw away the mind and I’ll say normal is… ahhh just being mannerly.

GARRY:
Would you describe yourself as Normal?

HUMAN:
Sometimes.

GARRY:
What is the earliest childhood memory that you have? Or at least the first one that comes to mind.

HUMAN:
Oh my god. I…That’s funny cause memories are uhh, you’re reminded of memories, through like videos and stuff. Uhhh Let me just say this one. I remembered in my kitchen there was like a watering plant uh or a uhhh plant watering device which was like, for hanging plants which you could uh have like a water bottle to squeeze it and it would go up and in… to like the higher hanging plants, and I took that little thing that was like from the water bottles and it was like a bit of a cane and I did like a little vaudeville act…with it.. in my kitchen. And I, that’s like the first thing that came to my mind.

GARRY:
When you were a child, what was your dream profession?

HUMAN:
My uncle always tried to uhh, uhh, encouraged me to be a hockey player..

GARRY:
Was that your dream profession?

HUMAN:
I…. I don’t think I dreamt about professions…when I was a kid. But uh..


The sound of Jakob trying to suppress his laughter can be heard in the background.

But uh when I started dreaming about profession stuff, it was probably… uhh acting. Cause I, that was like, I don’t know I was like thrown on a stage as a young/

JAKOB:
[NAME}, its not neccesarly like, you didn’t have to like, have a dream about it, like you weren’t like a child and you had a dream and you woke up and were like, OHH I want to be that! What did you want to be when you grew up? Is there anything that popped out…was like?

GARRY:
I wanted to be a producer.

HUMAN:
I guess..I just.. an actor I guess, like that’s just what I remembered but you know, like I, you get introduced to stuff? How young do I go back?

GARRY:
Earliest as you can remember.

HUMAN:
Fuck I don’t know..

GARRY:
Still acting..

HUMAN:
Yeah I guess.

GARRY:
And is that your profession now?/

HUMAN:
/Making people laugh.

GARRY:
Ahh.

HUMAN:
I’m not very good at it but..

EDWARD and JAKOB laugh.

GARRY:
Is that your profession now?

HUMAN:
Me? No. I would like to. It would be nice if it was. Now it’s to make people weird-ed out…

GARRY:
When you were a child, I’m going back still/

HUMAN:
/K, yeah yeah.

GARRY:
Um. Would you say that you had a lot of friends…would you describe yourself as having been a popular kid?

HUMAN:
Yeah.

GARRY:
Are you still friends with..with any of the people form your childhood?

HUMAN:
Mhm. Mhm.

GARRY:
Do you think its possible to justify murder?

HUMAN:
….eeeeuhh to justify murder. Sure…yeah you can justify it if you want to. I think you can justify anything.

GARRY:
What scares you most about life?

HUMAN:
Uhh… mmm…shit..these are deep. What scares me most about life? I want to say life itself, but its gotta be more specific..

GARRY:
Does it?

HUMAN:
…I don’t know. …Doing stuff?

EDWARD, JAKOB and GARRY all laugh, then HUMAN starts to laugh a bit too.

Like I’m not scared of death, well I will be once I’m faced it but..

JAKOB:
Are you not faced with it now?

HUMAN:
Faced with death? Hopefully not, shit. …Are you threatening me?

JAKOB:
No no no no, I just mean like in general, death is always possible, you could get hit by/

HUMAN:
/We were born to die.

JAKOB:
/Bus, you know anything could kill you. You say death? Is that/

HUMAN:
But I don’t think about it, I just,/

JAKOB:
/But that’s the first thing you brought up when you, when someone asked you/

HUMAN:
/ Its not death, its fucking something to do with like, I can’t word it. It’s like trying to find your niche or something or trying to, its, its, what,/

JAKOB:
/Finding a purpose.

HUMAN:
I mm, I, I think Its, what’s fears…what I’m most afraid of is… is myyy..self. I think that’s what I’m most afraid of, cause that will ruin my life, I can ruin my own life… and I can ruin other peoples lives…so I just have to be, beware.

GARRY:
…the power you have..

HUMAN:
Not. Okay yeah, everyone has the power to… to, yeah to, yeah, exactly, the power I have to influence my own life and sometimes other peoples lives…but I’m just scared that I…I’m just scared of my own…will. You know.

JAKOB:
What you’re capable of?

HUMAN:
Not what I’m capable of but like..what’s….yeah I guess what I’m capable, I don’t know.

JAKOB:
Mistakes?

HUMAN:
…It’s like I, you know, everyone wants to have a good life right…but, to make a, to have a good life you need to make the right, I guess to make the right choices and…uhh…I’m scared of the, of the… the thing that will keep me down…and that will be myself, because…what else would keep me down? You know, I’m a white male..in this first class country? I have the whole…I have just like, endless possibilities in front of me. So the only that’s gonna stop me is myself… and I fear that, that’s the biggest thing I have to fear…like maybe what…If I commit murder? Shit that’s uh, that’s the worst thing I could do, because that’s gonna fuck me up. I’m not gonna do that though I’m not. I don’t know, maybe, who knows, fuck ,we’ll see what happens…
He laughs.
Woop. Oh woah, its recorded heyyy uh.

GARRY:
If the justification is there?

HUMAN:
Nahh… no. I don’know. I don’t now.

GARRY:
If you were going to write a book, what would it be about?

HUMAN:
Oh.. jesus. It would be…probably really boring.

Everyone laughs uproariously except “HUMAN”

GARRY:
But what, (still laughing) what would it be about?

HUMAN:
…some mundane topic…

Another explosion of laughter.

HUMAN:
Like, what we’re, like me being my own obstacle, like how fucking boring is that?

GARRY:
Mm.

JAKOB:
But that’s not necessarily, that’s, that’s what we were just talking about before, that’s not like… you sat down right now, and you were like/

HUMAN:
I think about that a lot though. So I might actually need to write something.

GARRY:
What your novel is going to be?

HUMAN:
Uhh well

JAKOB:
Some sort of battle with yourself?

HUMAN:
Yeah..it would probably b’ that.

GARRY:
Is that mundane?

HUMAN:
Hopefully not if I, I’m not a good writer though, so probably it would be…if I gave it to a good writer?

GARRY:
Do you have a favourite or lucky number?

HUMAN:
It’s always been three for me.

GARRY:
Do you think that you have control over your own destiny?

HUMAN:
Uhh…somewhat.

GARRY:
Do you believe in.. Destiny?

HUMAN:
I believe in chaos.  …So yeah, the question is do I believe in destiny. No.

GARRY:
Does God exist?

HUMAN:
I can’t say..cause I don’t know but…Yeah I guess that’s my answer, I don’t know.

GARRY:
Does anyone know?

HUMAN:
People like to know, would like to think to know. Does anyone know? Is that what the question was? I’m getting all screwed up.

GARRY:
Do you think that anyone knows.

HUMAN:
No.

GARRY:
Do you believe in god? Or a God?

HUMAN:
…No. Maybe I should though…it would make me… a better person.

GARRY:
Do you believe in an afterlife of any kind?

HUMAN:
No…no.

GARRY:
So life just stops at death?

HUMAN:
Mhm.

GARRY:
Have you ever um, have you ever paid for sex?

HUMAN:
I’ve been thinking about that actually.. recently. I’ve actually been questioning…what that would be like.

GARRY:
Have you been considering it.. seriously?

HUMAN:
Seriously.

GARRY:
So you would pay for it?

HUMAN:
I sat there one day and I was like, I’m fucking horny and I went..what if I just went to Jilly’s? I know. What a bad place to go but I…it was like I just wanted to go to Jilly’s its just down the road, walked in there was like gentlemen uh..excuse me sir…can I have your.. finest…or like..give me a, give me a, like, give me some girl to give me a lapdance, and you know what, she’d probably…fuck me If I took her to like a private room…n’I know gave her some money, and they probably wouldn’t be expensive, she’d probably be riddled with disease? You know what’s a little… clap right? You know, just get some cream…

GARRY:
So why would you go to Jilly’s then?

HUMAN:
I don’t know…It was the closest thing I thought of.

GARRY:
Right.

HUMAN:
I don’t know cause like, if you go somewhere like more fancy, uh. like you go to the Brass Rail or something… Expensive. ….I can’t believe this is recorded.

END OF PART 1